Kindness or People Pleasing? A Truth That Took Me 40 Years to Learn
It took me more than 40 years to realise this simple yet life-changing truth: I can be kind—and still say no.
For the longest time, I believed that being kind meant always saying yes, always accommodating, always making sure no one was ever disappointed or uncomfortable around me. I confused kindness with people pleasing. But over time—and with deep reflection after many painful experiences —I’ve come to understand that these two couldn’t be further apart.
People pleasing comes from a place of fear, insecurity, and self-abandonment. You give your power and authenticity away to chase the approval of others. You become overly dependent on appreciation and validation, believing—sometimes unconsciously—that your worth is tied to being liked or accepted.
I’ve lived that life. And it’s exhausting.
Kindness, on the other hand, is rooted in strength. It’s a conscious choice that comes from inner alignment, not external approval. When you choose kindness—even towards someone who is rude or dismissive—it’s because you understand that their behaviour has nothing to do with your worth. You don’t get triggered because you no longer internalise their unkindness. That, to me, is powerful.
To be truly kind requires deep self-awareness, emotional discipline, and an unwavering sense of self-worth. It means having the courage to set boundaries with grace, to speak your truth with love, and to honour yourself while still showing compassion to others.
A kind person is not naïve or passive. A kind person is someone who has done the work. Who has faced their shadows, healed their wounds, and moved beyond the need to please. They give freely—not because they want recognition, but because they deeply understand the human condition. They know the power of a kind gesture, a listening ear, or a sincere word.
So let me say this to you—especially if you’ve ever felt torn between being kind and standing your ground:
You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to disappoint others. You are allowed to choose yourself. And none of that makes you less kind.
In fact, it makes your kindness more powerful, more authentic, and more sustainable.
Stop chasing approval. Let go of the pressure to be liked by everyone. Instead, live from a place where you know—in your bones—that you are loving, kind, and worthy.
Let your kindness flow from that unshakeable place of dignity and grace. You will not only protect your own peace, but you will also become a role model in a world desperately in need of grounded, compassionate leadership.
May you be guided by powerful kindness in all that you say and do.
With love, Barbara
PS If you want to explore how to adopt a kind, detached and powerful way of living, 'The Path of Powerful Kindness' might be something for you. You can check it out here: https://www.amazon.com/Path-Powerful-Kindness-Return-Humanness/dp/B0CM18MG4M/
